One year since...

Two days ago on the 18th of July was exactly one year since I was sent home from work, after being told the results of my CT scan looked as if I had lymphoma. I remember that day quite well, but the more I try to think about how I was feeling, the more blurry it gets. I do understand that "numb" feeling people talk about when experiencing a tragic event. I have no idea how I went to sleep that night, I don't remember. But I'm sure it was in tears in my husbands arms. Brett was away on a fishing trip up North and unreachable. After calling the station he was staying near many times, leaving messages on voice-mail to the caretakers that it was urgent, I ended up getting a call back from Brett. He probably thought I was being the most annoying wife ever after calling him the weekend earlier in a panic asking where my USB was. I did need to send my resume and job application through right at that moment, so it felt like life or death at the time, but turned out I didn't need to get a job anyway because I was about to be diagnosed with cancer the next week. Funny huh. In the end he had to fly home and be with me for the remainder of my diagnosis. It was sad, scary and just plain devastating to get the news that I had cancer. As my very first blog post said, I was most concerned about my fertility. I still am to be honest and it doesn't get any easier when I am constantly seeing my friends on Facebook and Instagram with their gorgeous baby photos. This one year on since being diagnosed, I have had many mixed emotions. I am now living in a constant state of fear that my cancer will return, whether it is in the same spot, same type of cancer or whether it's something totally new. Every niggle of pain in my body or something I notice that doesn't seem quite right is a wave of fear that runs through my heart. There is not a day that goes by that I'm not scared of it returning. I often feel that people think I have moved on so well or they forget I even went through it and my life is back to normal. But really it isn't. I feel like it is changed forever, and I cannot shake the fear or thoughts of cancer that it's such a heavy burden on my life. Everyone else moves on, but I remain in this place of uncertainty. I was always a hypochondriac, and I still get teased about it. I don't think that's something anyone realises affects me so much. I've had cancer, and I have every right to freak out about stuff..right? I even found my early stage melanoma after being persistent with my "funny feeling". Sometimes it pays off, and sometimes people just say things because they don't understand. I write this all because I am about to have my first PET scan since my first one post treatment in January giving me the all clear of my lymphoma. Of course I am nervous, thinking about all the possibilities of the results. There is nothing I can do about the results but I can't not go to the appointment and leave it to think everything will be ok just as long as I "don't know what's going on so therefore it's not anything". I just have to go and wait for the results. I know it's going to be an agonizing wait. Will it bear bad news? What's around the corner? Do I have the strength to do this all over again? If prayer is your thing, please pray for Me now and for my scan on Wednesday. That it will be clear and I will be healthy. Pray for my sanity, that I have comfort and better thoughts in regards to my fears. I'm not even sure these fears will go away or if it's a good thing for them to go away. But pray nonetheless. I am thankful for the amazing 2 week holiday I just had up in coral bay. It was absolutely beautiful, and I enjoyed every bit. We snorkelled, kayaked, fished, lay on the beach, ate copious amounts of donuts from the bakery and the list goes on. Our forester towed a boat all the way there and back and we were super chuffed about that. We do love to have adventures, holidays and fun and are so glad we have these opportunities to do these things while we can. Happy I married an adventurous man who loves to just give things a go and get involved. It definitely suits my newly found appreciation for life and how some things are more important than others and that life is not just a tick box of things to achieve and acquire. Words of wisdom to live by. That's all for now. Kendy x