Recent antics and musings

Wow, it has almost been a month since my last blog entry. I have had an extra week break from chemo as we have plans to head down to Busselton over the new year after Christmas. Then I will have my very last treatment when we return. Which may unfortunately start on our two year wedding anniversary. I'm sure we can fit something special to do in there while on chemo, but also excited about he potential to drag it out to do something later as well. Who knows. But I do know one thing... I only have one more treatment and I will be finished and cancer free by mind January. Party plans are underway!!

This last month I have been able to go away down south to Yallingup with a group of friends and also attend a look good feel better makeup group with other young girls battling cancer. I also attended another friends art workshop. As you can see here, I drew an apple.

Not too shabby!


This is Yallingup

We've had a few events at church these last few weeks including a scary youth walk through an old train tunnel, then an awesome festival called colourfest inclusive of the colour powder used in the colour run. We had sumo suits, bouncy castle, face painting and carnival food.


This was our youth group throwing the colour powder in the air. Looks amazing!


The Sunday just gone we had 'The gathering', a Christmas service for our young adults, food provided!


I feel like I've been up to lots. Our Christmas tree and other Christmassy decorations were put up, along with constant playing of Christmas songs and carols. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! Presents almost all done too which is a weight off!





It's safe to say, I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR! So much fun stuff to attend and we get to spend time with the people we love. Embrace it! I for one am feeling extra blessed to be alive and am totally appreciating the friends and family I get to share life with. Perspective has been great. Thanks God.

However...the down times....I am  currently on my second last chemo cycle as I write. I am extremely tired already, and I spend my time fighting the urge to sleep during the day so I can at least get to sleep during the night. I have also puffed up again due to the steroids and I just cannot seem to get over how it makes me feel. It doesn't help when some people say to me "oh you've put on a bit of weight...but that's ok". Comments like that don't make me feel good. I constantly worry about what I look like, and it hurts even more when my clothes don't fit. Or I try on a dress in the shops and it's a medium, not the usual small. Or everyone else around me is exercising etc.
I do understand it will go away when I finish treatment and I am thankful I am able to stop the steroids in the end. Unlike some unlucky people who have to take these steroids for the rest of their lives. It is tough and I've read a mountain of blogs, articles and stories of other people who have the same struggles. I know exactly how they feel and I just hope that somehow they can one day invent a steroid that doesn't affect people this way.
The biggest battle for me in this cancer treatment has definitely been the self image aspect. As much as the physical side effects like nausea and pain suck, I think I can handle those more because they only last a few days. This puffiness is almost permanent throughout my treatment.
I also recently wrote another blog about the things not to say to a cancer patient, and in general what I am struggling with in terms of when out being social the things that get on my nerves and overwhelm me a bit. I had a few people read it and together we decided it came across a bit harsh. I am yet to fix and change it up before I post it. But it definitely is a struggle for not only me but other cancer patients I have spoken to..even their families.



Can't wait to look like this again!




Anyway, that is it I think for now! Might squeeze in a pre-Christmas blog, but might not have the time. Pictures of Christmas and Busselton will be fun I'm sure.

Thanks again for prayers and well wishes, it does help.

Kendy x
P.s I leave you with a photo of a dog friend I met on the weekend. His name "the great one" in Swahili. He's cool and fluffy.

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Seeing the light..

At the end of a long long tunnel that for a long time I couldn't see!

Good news about the PET scan I had a few weeks ago, I am now pretty much free of cancer (apart from some residual activity in my mediastinum), now just finishing my final 3 treatments and that should be it! It is very exciting to know that I am responding to the treatment and I am so thankful to everyone who has been the support along the way, especially God.
There is no way I would be able to do what I'm doing now without the strength from God. I always have hope and faith thanks to Him, I just couldn't imagine doing this any other way.

I know it isn't over, and there's still a road ahead. Things like getting my Hickman line removed, further scans and even chats about the clot that is still obstructing my SVC, causing veins to be as prominent as when I had the tumor and the pressure in my head when I bend over. Will it resolve on its own? Does it need a stent? Can it be stented? And I have to get back to fitness, playing sport, lose my steroid weight, grow my hair....the list goes on!
All these things I can't wait to do. But I need a bit more patience to get through these last few months and cling onto that hope and faith that I have, that I will beat lymphoma completely!

Please continue to pray for me as chemo is still hard on me, my body and the people around me, especially Brett. He has to put up with my tears, my grumpiness, frustrations and venting. He does it well, but I'm sure he needs the patience and perseverance to continue. I love him so so much. Such a blessing to do life with him. Who knew we'd have this huge challenge thrust upon us so early in marriage. But his continuous love in sickness and in health is a true testimony to how much he loves God and lives life like Christ.

During the chemo break I was able to see Beyoncé in concert, which was amazing! So good to feel well enough to go and experience "Queen B" and also go wedding dress shopping with my sister! Wedding next October and hopefully I'll be a maid of honour with some sort of hair on my head!
I also attended the beautiful wedding of Ashley and Heidi Griffiths. Check out their wedding on Instagram using #ashleyheidiwedding
I got to have my makeup done courtesy of a gift from Mrs Jessica Gorman and even got fake eyelashes to feel fabulous and feminine again after losing all of my own to the cancer.

I think that's all for a blog update. Keep praying and know that God is good! YEW!

Kendy x

What are you putting off?

What are you putting off? The mundane chores? Something scary? Tax return? (That one's for me!)

For those who know abut my treatment in a bit more detail, they would know I go into the hospital every now and then for an infusion as part of my chemotherapy, and I even go in on weekends if I'm scheduled to have some blood tested. I go into Royal Perth and into a little department called Apheresis.  Australian Red Cross says, "Apheresis (pronounced ay-fur-ee-sis) is a special process by which donations of plasma only or platelet only can be made." Not just donations happen here, so much more does so let me continue...

My point at the moment is, I go to this place and see many patients, a lot who are older and more unwell than I am. They may have cancer or other blood disorders that require regular infusions, of either platelets and plasma, or blood. 
I've come to the realisation that there is such a huge need for blood and people to donate. I did know this already, but I was someone that every time I thought about going to donate blood, I would get a cold or sick and then not go. Something I kept putting off.

I now cannot donate my blood, ever. For the rest of my life. Because of cancer and chemotherapy.

I missed my chance.

You never know what is around the corner. You never know how much one day you may even need blood.

I met a girl in apheresis, who without daily plasma exchanges, she would die. Doctors don't yet know how to fix her. So she's up to day 30 now, banking on the generosity of others to keep her alive.
It's the same for so many more, and even me. Chemotherapy can affect your haemoglobin levels and I could indeed need a few units of blood to make me better. This little department of apheresis is just the surface. Imagine the people who lose litres of blood in trauma, accidents, surgery?

Blood is in need. Blood and the other products like plasma and platelets.

If you are healthy and well, why not donate?

I can't contribute in that way physically now, but I will make sure all my friends and family are aware they can help.

Please let me know if you are donating, I'm happy to come along with you! Or just let me know that you're going or have been, because you are special!!

For mor information about donating blood, visit the website http://www.donateblood.com.au

Giving blood is not as scary as needing it.

Fun on the Farm

I had been asking the nurses about whether or not I could go away on the AFL Grand Final long weekend, also known in WA as the queens birthday long weekend, but I'll let you all decide which one you actually celebrate. For us, it's the grand final. It's a big deal. Unfortunately this year our beloved Eagles didn't make it and our WA rivals, the Fremantle Dockers, did. As happy as I am for them that they made it, I was going for the other team...Hawthorn. Sorry freo fans, please don't stop reading my blogs because of this. I just couldn't bring myself to go for freo, and I KNOW some of you wouldn't either if the shoe was on the other foot. Is that the saying? Anyway, this blog isn't about Freo, or the grand final really. It is about getting away...to the farm!

I must admit, after watching McLeod's Daughters I was probably extra excited about this visit. Not only was it my first time in Muka, but it was my first trip to a real farm. I had McLeods in my head the whole time, even though I know they don't have horses on this farm..
Instead I went out and bought an akubra (x3 actually - couldn't decide on a colour) or simply a cowboy/girl hat from red dot. I also invested in boots. Farm boots, which by the end of the trip were nice and dusty and used-looking. I was happy! Another item that came along, was my checkered shirt. Or a "flanno" as the Aussies put it.

 This is the donga

 Brett and I in a wheat field/paddock

 Hard work this sheep work! One was struggling so we put her on the back of the ute

 Rookie learning to ride the quad bike. So Tash came along

 I was still a rookie so I rode on the back of Brett's

 Jumping for joy, off to shoot some cans

 Both Tash and I hit our targets.

 Sheep work crew! We were amazing. Dave would say otherwise....

 Sheep selfie

 One of the many paddocks. Country beauty!

 Sheep work

 The fam minus Ryan at Noble Falls on the way to the farm

Selfie with Red

I was granted a big fat 'yes' from my doctor when I had my appointment 2 days before the weekend. She said my bloods were great and I could stay away until Tuesday and start chemo on Wednesday instead. SO GOOD. We packed our things Friday night and woke early Saturday morning to drive 3.5hrs North East-ish of Perth to Mukinbudin. The sign on the way in described it as the "Classic, Dry, Red." Accurate I thought. Anyway this farm is where my mother-in-law grew up. My husband and his family often make trips to the farm also known as Waralya Downs. A sheep and wheat farm. Excuse me to my family if I am getting this wrong. They have many memories there and I am reminded how great holidays are and of course the memories/stories they create.

It was amazing to get away. I want to say phrases like "ahh the clean, fresh, farm air..." and "it was so relaxing.." so I WILL. I loved it. I did find the air fresh and clean (apart from the dust behind a mob of sheep or a quad bike) and I had the most relaxing time just being away from the thoughts of Perth and the things associated with it...like cancer. I enjoyed sitting outside the donga drinking a cuppa. So Australian.

We got up to lots of things like riding quad bikes, shooting, driving through paddocks of wheat, moving sheep from paddocks, morning tea eating, fly swatting, red dog playing and so much more. I loved the farm so much but know that it can be such a different story in other seasons of the year. We had great weather, not too hot and not too cold (sometimes cold, but I get cold easily), so it's easy to love it now and maybe not so much on a 45 degree day in the middle of December or January

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I was sad that I now have memories in photos of a time that I went away to the farm, bald, puffy and still undergoing chemotherapy. But still joyful that I got to experience it. It sure was and still is hard to look at the photos of myself and think they don't look like me, but I guess it's all part of this journey and I can hopefully one day look back on these photos and be glad that I did what I did when I did it. Rather than waited to be 'healthy' and 'look better'. Easy to say, still hard to believe.

Hope you enjoyed the small glimpse of the farming life in country Western Australia.

Love Kendy x

P.s. Big thanks to Uncle Jeff and Aunty Tracey for having us, and another thank you to Dale and Derick for their spare bedroom. Can't forget Muka Church of Christ for letting wavey preach again and even listening to a few of my little words. So in general, thanks to Mukinbudin for its hospitality!

Things that start with C

I have been up to quite a bit in my time between treatments. So much so that I haven't written a blog for 2 whole weeks. Shocking. I've been up and down with emotions, I've been a hermit and I've been social. I've even written posts and not posted them. They were definitely therapeutic for myself, and I'm unsure if they will ever enter the cyber blog world, or just stay in drafts as a reminder to me how I was feeling that day.

Since being diagnosed I have struggled a lot with all of a sudden having this knowledge, or so called perspective of life that I actually cannot express in words. I can try, but I think I will fail. So instead I've compiled just a small list of things that I have learned and/or appreciating at the moment.

Here are some words that begin with the letter C that have impacted me lately:

Cancer - it's probably obvious how impacting this one is, but there's nothing I can do to change what has occurred. I have a journey to go through and I just need to continue, and continue to learn from it. It's a privilege to actually be going through it, as hard as it is to say and sometimes believe, but I get to learn so much from this and become a different and hopefully better person from experiencing it. It's really hard to see some days and I need all of you to remind me that I will be changed in the end!

Content - I'm learning to be content. Philippians 4:11-13 says, "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
I think that speaks for itself.

The word "can't" - I have said it a lot, and I want to not say it so much anymore. "I can't go to that...", "I can't eat that.." All related to being unwell and not being allowed to do things at certain times. Well I want to change "I can't" to a new mind set. I may end up saying it if I really am not supposed to be doing it, but in my head is actually the mind set I want to change. I am stuck in a place where I think this is permanent and I can't do anything. Yes I can't right NOW...but I totally will later. So just be patient...and I will.

Chemotherapy - it's so complex, yet to cool, it's killing my cancer and my cells. The good cells and the bad cells. It is impacting me in the form of side effects. I get puffy, my finger tips are going numb, I get constipated (another c word), but with the help of coloxyl and senna (c word again) it is relieved, and I'm thankful for that. I also get really tired, my skin gets sore, my hair has fallen out, my skin is dry, my mouth gets ulcers, I bleed easily, my immune system doesn't work, I bruise like a peach, my taste buds come and go..the list goes on but who cares!

Cross stitch- Gave this little hobby a crack today and its quite therapeutic. Takes a lot of time and patience...but I am determined to finish it. I may just even get CREATIVE.

Chai - I'm getting into the chai latte. It's tasty and less caffeine than tea. Apparently? Don't tell me otherwise because I'll get sad. I did research some benefits and it included preventing cancer. Maybe I got onto it too late. Haha but it's a good train, get on it.

Cards - card games with my parents at family dinner. It's fun and I love how they are loving playing with Brett and I. We play trumps. Happy to teach anyone who asks, but it's a great COMPETITIVE game and I love a bit of competition.

Anyway, other than my time of learning about Appropriate C words to share, I have spent these 2 weeks seeing people, eating lunches, going out, dinners, grand finals, church and many a fun time. It's just good to be well and get out of the house.

Stay tuned for more!
Lots of love,
Kendy x

Treatment Number 3 and some fun!

Treatment number 3 is upon us. I was hooked up to the chemo on Monday and won't finish until Friday. It's nice to have this lot of treatment through the weekdays rather than having to go into hospital on the weekend. I have my fears about the line leaking and getting clots again etc, so would really appreciate any prayers offered to reduce my stress and fears at the moment. I'm currently checking the infusion and dressing so often it's not funny...I know I shouldn't worry about it, but since what happened last time I'm extra nervous.

Another annoying part of chemo is I also have to take a lot of oral medication, including stuff that prevents me getting sick and also some steroids. The downside to the steroids is they make me puff up again in the face. It does go away when I stop taking them between treatments but whilst taking them I do often feel like I don't look like me and its hard to look in the mirror once again. I know I need to take them to make me better, it's just another one of those things that probably only a woman would stress about :(

On a lighter note here are some photos from the night I shave my head. It was so much fun. 

 We started out with a few looks...

 I feel a bit "Miley Cyrus" here....probably not a good thing these days?

 A bit military mohawk?

 The final result. More has fallen out since and is patchy, but now you see it!

I'm still coming to terms with having no hair. There are good days and bad days. Days when I'm happy to waltz around with nothing on my head (although it is cold and windy at times) and then there's days when I feel like I look naked. Even when clothed...my complete "look" just isn't what I am used to, and I feel bare. I look in the mirror and feel sad. I have a wig, which is great. Still struggling to get used to the feel and even look of it, but it does help to bring back that bit of "normal" about life. Scarves, especially silk ones are coming in handy and they're comfortable. So if you see any good ones, even plain ones for when I wear patterned clothes, send them my way!

This last week I have been feeling really good health-wise. Brett and I were able to spend a whole day out. We had breakfast, played mini golf and went shopping. I was exhausted by the end, but it was nice to go out and have fun. All the walking around however caused me a bit of grief with my Hickman line in terms of pain. I've rested since and I think it's healing really well and my body is getting used to it. 

  

It was also fathers day at the beginning of September, and I had a bald photo with my dad. We look a lot alike. I never thought I would shave my head and look so much like dad. But it was nice! Haha here's a picture of us!

 

It does also still get overwhelming at times with the amount of people who want to help out, see how I'm going and in general just be supportive. I often have to say the same things over and over again. It's something I don't want to feel, but sometimes I do. So please don't be offended if it takes me longer to reply to messages or if I'm talking to you and don't want to talk about cancer. I do care about what is going on in your life too! ;)

I still cannot express enough how thankful Brett and I are. We are always talking about who has said what and how it makes us feel. So thank you again annd again for your love and support. I couldn't be on this journey without you all.

God Bless
x Kendy

Reasons to smile

This is a blog dedicated to the reasons I have to smile...be happy and of course be thankful.
It is a list. My hope is that this can be a reminder to all my friends and family that no matter what, there are still reasons to smile. There are still things in our life to be thankful for. I wrote this list spontaneously on my phone in the "notes" section during a time when I really was thankful. I was happy, feeling healthy and thought this chemo treatment was going so well and nothing could change. Well it did change, and then I wrote a really sad blog about how much things were going terrible. I then experienced another hospital visit, 3 nights in hospital for a DVT in my arm. Another downer. BUT all during this time of despair and hurting, I kept thinking, "gosh I just want to go home and write my blog about all the good things".
Here's the list.

I HAVE A REASON TO SMILE

My husband
My supportive family and friends
The awesome team of nurses and doctors treating me
Not many side effects
Being at home for my treatment
Knowing God is in control
The amount of people praying for me
Digestive biscuits
Generous gifts, of food, dinners, cleaning, flowers etc
I don't have to style my hair
I don't have to shave body hair (except for legs...fall out already!!)
Purchasing a natural looking wig
The McLeod's Daughters box set
Visitors
The outdoors, sunshining in winter
No pain when plucking my eyebrows
New Hickman line has stopped bleeding
Cups of Melbourne breakfast tea

I'm still having a rough time. I now have to inject myself twice a day with a needle to thin my blood. (Clexane, for all my nurses playing at home). Which is a surreal experience to do it to yourself after doing it so ruthlessly to patients for so long. I am on a heap of other oral medications and now experiencing bone pain in my back and legs. I say all this because to be honest, there is no way I can  sit here and write a blog about all the things I'm happy about, when all at the same time I still feel suffering. But what does God call us to do? James 1:2-4 says, 'consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.'
I am attempting to be joyful in my trials. But I can only do these things as I keep my eyes focused on Christ alone. Knowing he loves me and is here with me, giving me the strength to do all of this.

I'm so sure there are so many things I have forgotten to be thankful for...but that's ok. This isn't over, and I'm not finished yet. I am ALIVE!

Rough times

So it feels like its been a while since my last update. Which it has, I suppose! It's been a bit of a journey so far, so here goes...

I started my second cycle of chemo last Wednesday. This involves me going into hospital for a few hours to have an infusion of just one drug. I am then hooked up on the Thursday for 4 reminding bags that run continuous until the Monday, where then they come and give me a little 30 minute infusion and I'm supposedly done. All at home, which is nice. On that initial Wednesday I had a PICC line inserted, which was all good. I could carry my infusion around with me in a handbag and all was well.

This all ran smoothly until Monday (yesterday) when I got up and had breakfast, then whilst watching my morning tv of McLeod's Daughters, I noticed my arm was wet. Panic set in. Chemo is not supposed to get on your skin, on anything really. I immediately stopped the pump (as I had been taught buy the nurses) and rang the hospital for advice. They go through with you before you even start chemo at home as to what to do if there is a spill. It's pretty intense stuff, but I was assured multiple times that it wouldn't happen and it's so rare. Well it happened to me. I was devastated. I rang Brett to come home. By this point I had to get in the shower and wash off as much chemo as I could and try not to contaminate all this other stuff I was touching. We went in to hospital where we spent the next 9 hours. My PICC line was removed and they had to treat me as a risk that the chemo had gone into my skin and surrounding tissues rather than my vein. Which can be quite serious. It could eat my skin from the inside out. Bad times! Thankfully I had no pain and I only really received minor burn marks on my arm from the chemo. I did, however receive lots of subcutaneous injections of other things around the site to prevent any further damage. Painful.
The doctors then arranged for me to have another chemo access line inserted. My case seems to be a difficult one because of the obstruction in my chest so another PICC line in my arm is a no go. I was also prodded 6 times whilst trying to get a cannula in my other arm. All failed. 6 times!! Stupid veins! I fasted for a bit then I was sent off for the insertion of a femoral Hickman line. This is a bigger line that basically goes into my groin and up into the inferior vena cava of the heart. Procedure went well. By this point Brett and I were so eager to leave the hospital it wasn't funny! We left to go to family dinner, but within the hour were back at the hospital because my new line was bleeding. Gravity took hold and walking around and back to the car didn't help. It was finally reinforced and I was sent with a cold compress and a heavy weight to press down to hopefully help my new insertion site clot.

Today, Tuesday. My Hickman is still causing grief. It is bleeding when I stand up and is just in a plain annoying spot! I have rested today, in bed and on the couch. I got to have my final 30 minute bag of chemo which was nice to finish. So now we just have to wait for this thing to heal, so I can enjoy my 2 weeks without chemo.

I don't want to start a countdown, but I will. Only 6 cycles to go....if all goes according to plan. Which seems to be that it's not. I am incredibly frustrated and upset that it can't be easier. I wish it was simple. I wish the PICC line just worked, and the bags all finished as per plan. But it's not happening for me. I would really appreciate any amount of prayer that you can muster. For me to not dwell on the down side of things, to be able to tolerate the nitty gritty stuff. I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, which is fine because it is a long way away. I need a positive attitude and mind set on things above. Pray hard!

Also..I shaved my hair off. I wish I was in more of a fun mood to post pictures and be excited and happy. But unfortunately it may have to wait until next time. I had great support that night and it was a fun experience. Totally rocking my beanie at home. My head is incredibly cold without hair! I also have a wig to wear, so that will get a gig soon too.

Thanks for listening again to my troubles. Most depressing post yet? Sorry and not sorry at the same time. This is all truth and honesty...

Xx

Hair Loss

I should have known something was up when I found a long dark brown hair in my cereal this morning, that today was the day I would start losing my hair. It already started as a shocker of a day when I woke up to watch 7th Heaven and it wasn't on. I watch this show all the time, it's a bit of a routine. Even when I worked as a nurse, if was working an afternoon shift this meant I could sleep in and then watch 7th Heaven. Well, not today. Dr Quinn medicine woman has taken its place. Brett is also home sick at the moment but with an injured back from playing footy.  He can hardly bend his back, so he was still in bed this morning when I got up to begin my routine.

The routine is this: I wake up by 10am, go to the toilet, come to make breakfast which is usually a bowl of either Cheerios with honey or sultana bran. The kettle is boiled, I make my loose leaf Melbourne breakfast tea, the tv is turned on, then I take my breakfast and eat it on the couch while I watch 7th heaven. I also have my iPad buy my side and play candy crush until my lives run out. When 7th Heaven is over, that's normally tv done for the day and I'd do something else. Since being diagnosed however, I sometimes watch a bit of Fraser or Friends. Depends on my mood. Plus I have spare time!

Today was different. My routine was automatically compromised simply by Brett still being in bed. That was weird enough. He alerted me that it was 10am and I needed to get up to watch 7th heaven, so I of course got up, shuffled in my ugg boots to the tv (note I also didn't go to the toilet??) and turned it on. Channel 11. Dr Quinn was on, but I didn't panic. Maybe, just maybe it was still on as the show playing before 7th heaven? Checked the guide. Nope. Seems like channel 11 has changed everything. Fraser wasn't even scheduled for after 7th heaven.
I cried out to Brett in a childish whinge that it wasn't on. Shuffled back into the room dramatically stating that my day was "ruined!!!". After a moment, I composed myself to then continue on my "routine", making breakfast. I made it and sat down on the couch watching an encore of reef doctors, when there was my next clue to my day of disaster. The hair in my cereal. Not too much reaction was had, as it was my own I wasn't too disgusted.
After breakfast and being rebellious in doing a load of washing, I decided I needed a long shower and wash my hair. It had been a while, so in I got. Washing my hair takes a while, I have lots of it.
The more I wet it and shampooed it, chunks and chunks came out. It was knotty and being difficult. As I worked my way through the knots, it just kept coming out. I normally lose a fair bit of hair in the shower, but never to this extent. It was heartbreaking and painful to see more and more mount the shower wall.

Here are some photos of proof.

 I started putting the clumps on the shower wall, it felt never ending!

 Clumps were too heavy to stay on the shower wall and some fell.

 This one was just after brushing it post shower. You may also notice, I'm not yet bald.

 I was pretty upset. I knew this was coming, but maybe after a few more treatments as my doctor had explained. There is just no way of being OK with it. I thought I would be fine. But it hit me, the realisation that very soon the rest of my hair will follow. I won't have long, curly brown hair. I will be bald. I am incredibly sad and not sure how I will be when it comes out so much that I will have to shave it. I will just have to take one day at a time and know that this is just something I have to go through in order to get better. A small sacrifice maybe?

Here's to hoping this hasn't freaked anyone out too much and you stop reading my blogs. I'm in the process of adding a fun entry about wig shopping. Stay tuned!! Also I start my next round of chemo on Wednesday. Blog to follow.

Thanks again to all of my friends and family. XX

From nurse to patient

After being officially diagnosed on Friday the 2nd August, I was to start treatment on the Sunday. I was very anxious about chemotherapy, mainly the side effects and just the general anxieties one gets when faced with so much unknown.
We went in at 10am knowing we had a long stay ahead of us as one of the drugs given often causes an allergic reaction so has to be given over 4-5 hours. Prepped with iPad, magazines, iPod, phones...Brett and I had time wasting covered.

The first lots of drugs went through fine, and it wasn't until the time consuming one and an increased rate, I began to react. Only a small reaction, face itching and in my mouth was itchy, felt like my throat was also a little thick. Looking back, I wish I didn't say anything, but I know that I needed to in case it became much worse. After informing the nurse, I was then admitted to stay overnight on a ward to be monitored and given the infusion at a slower rate, for 24 hours.

I do not like being a patient in hospital. I always thought it would be fun. After being a nurse, there was a little part of me that wanted to just relax in the bed and be a patient. I couldn't be any further now from that thought!! It is serious boredom, being uncomfortable, being a burden, nothing to do but listen to the hospital sounds. Mainly other annoying patients who can't reach their tv remote at midnight. I think when I get back into nursing, I will be a greater nurse after going through this. I have a new appreciation for my profession.

So I've had my first treatment, which went OK. Now for the side effects. I have had a shocking week. A week of pain in my jaw, mouth and throat. Treatment finished on the Monday and then on Tuesday afternoon, the pain struck. This is pain I almost cannot even begin to describe. It is unrelenting, constant, throbbing, sharp, needle-like pain. Panadol was all I had and it did not work. Eventually Thursday rolled around and I decided to call the people at RPH to see if this was normal, or if they could do anything about it. "Come in on Friday at 9am", they said. So Brett and I went to the hospital. I received blood tests, a chest x-ray and an ECG just to make sure everything was alright. Then was sent home with stronger pain relief. THANK GOD. I now have a patch that stays on for 3 days at a time, and some oxynorm. I know these drugs well because we give them out all the time as nurses. But note to my fellow nurses, it's a strange feeling having these dangerous drugs of addiction just chilling in my house, rather than the safety of a double locked cupboard at work. I'm so nervous to be in possession of them.

Anyone who knows me well, would know all I wanted to do was be a housewife and not work (other than one day calling motherhood work). So actually being off work, I never thought I would say I actually miss it. What the? I hated work. Now all I want to do is be healthy enough to go back to work. Contribute. Make a difference? It's a strange feeling. And something that I am now beginning to understand is one of the many significant lessons I am to learn through this. Thanks God.

I haven't had the opportunity yet but here it is, so I must stress now...my thankfulness. I'm incredibly thankful for all the support and love I have received so far. It is absolutely ridiculous the amount of family and friends who are willing to help out. And I want everyone to know myself and Brett are so grateful and just simply so blessed to even know you all. It is also still extremely overwhelming at times...but we'll get there. If I don't get to say that to all of you in person, I hope you read this and feel like you are appreciated.

P.s I am slowly becoming tech-savvy enough to potentially upload some photos to these blogs as well. So sit tight, it will happen!

My diagnosis

I am starting a blog to hopefully not only help myself through this battle I'm facing, but to also encourage others and simply keep people updated on my journey. Stay tuned...I hope you learn something!!
So here we go......

If you don't know me, my name is Kendall and I am 24 years old. I have been blissfully married for a year and a half to my best friend, Brett. We did not expect to face such a huge challenge so early on in marriage, and by far this is the biggest and scariest I could ever imagine.

I have been diagnosed with Primary Mediastinal B-Cell Lymphoma, a form of Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

I began having symptoms like fatigue and feeling generally unwell for a few weeks, then began some other symptoms like swelling in my neck and face, pressure in my head when I lent forward and prominant veins showing on my chest and in my arms.

After a lot of mucking around, working in the hospital system as a nurse and just generally being thrown around places, I had a CT scan which confirmed a mass growing in my chest completely obstructing my superior vena cava (the part of the heart that receives blood back from the head etc). Things then moved really quickly to appointments and tests and a biopsy to confirm the diagnosis.

Our future fertility is something that I always thought about (even before being diagnosed with lymphoma). I've always wanted kids and to have a family, so as soon as we found out about this that was one of our first appointments.  We went through options and seemed confident we could harvest some eggs and hubby's sperm and make embryos, to then have frozen for when we needed them. Unfortunately my haematologist said he didn't want to delay treatment, due to the risk the mass could potentially have on my health. It was fine at the time as we were also informed that the treatment planned had only a 3.9% chance of causing infertility. We thought that was ok and decided to go ahead with treatment. The next lot of news we received was after the biopsy, which confirmed non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, which then needed a different type of chemotherapy treatment. This one doesn't have any specific statistics in terms of fertility, so as you can imagine, I am battling to come to terms with maybe the fact we won't have kids. Thankfully we have a faith in our great God, who we believe can work miracles and so if It is in His plan for us to have children after all of this, then we would be so so happy. All we can do is pray and have faith that we will be provided with the gift of being able to have a little family of our own.

It is so hard at the moment to see God's plan in all of this, and of course the uncertainty, fear, doubt, negative thoughts and everything else pile into my mind and distract me from what I truly believe. I ask that you pray for us. Particularly me, who seems to want to give up already and am too scared to go through what I need to, to get better. I'm being raw and honest. I'm not going to pretend I have it all together and that I am happy all the time. So many tears have been shed and I know there's many more to come.

Join me on this journey, this battle, this faith testing challenge.