Things that start with C

I have been up to quite a bit in my time between treatments. So much so that I haven't written a blog for 2 whole weeks. Shocking. I've been up and down with emotions, I've been a hermit and I've been social. I've even written posts and not posted them. They were definitely therapeutic for myself, and I'm unsure if they will ever enter the cyber blog world, or just stay in drafts as a reminder to me how I was feeling that day.

Since being diagnosed I have struggled a lot with all of a sudden having this knowledge, or so called perspective of life that I actually cannot express in words. I can try, but I think I will fail. So instead I've compiled just a small list of things that I have learned and/or appreciating at the moment.

Here are some words that begin with the letter C that have impacted me lately:

Cancer - it's probably obvious how impacting this one is, but there's nothing I can do to change what has occurred. I have a journey to go through and I just need to continue, and continue to learn from it. It's a privilege to actually be going through it, as hard as it is to say and sometimes believe, but I get to learn so much from this and become a different and hopefully better person from experiencing it. It's really hard to see some days and I need all of you to remind me that I will be changed in the end!

Content - I'm learning to be content. Philippians 4:11-13 says, "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
I think that speaks for itself.

The word "can't" - I have said it a lot, and I want to not say it so much anymore. "I can't go to that...", "I can't eat that.." All related to being unwell and not being allowed to do things at certain times. Well I want to change "I can't" to a new mind set. I may end up saying it if I really am not supposed to be doing it, but in my head is actually the mind set I want to change. I am stuck in a place where I think this is permanent and I can't do anything. Yes I can't right NOW...but I totally will later. So just be patient...and I will.

Chemotherapy - it's so complex, yet to cool, it's killing my cancer and my cells. The good cells and the bad cells. It is impacting me in the form of side effects. I get puffy, my finger tips are going numb, I get constipated (another c word), but with the help of coloxyl and senna (c word again) it is relieved, and I'm thankful for that. I also get really tired, my skin gets sore, my hair has fallen out, my skin is dry, my mouth gets ulcers, I bleed easily, my immune system doesn't work, I bruise like a peach, my taste buds come and go..the list goes on but who cares!

Cross stitch- Gave this little hobby a crack today and its quite therapeutic. Takes a lot of time and patience...but I am determined to finish it. I may just even get CREATIVE.

Chai - I'm getting into the chai latte. It's tasty and less caffeine than tea. Apparently? Don't tell me otherwise because I'll get sad. I did research some benefits and it included preventing cancer. Maybe I got onto it too late. Haha but it's a good train, get on it.

Cards - card games with my parents at family dinner. It's fun and I love how they are loving playing with Brett and I. We play trumps. Happy to teach anyone who asks, but it's a great COMPETITIVE game and I love a bit of competition.

Anyway, other than my time of learning about Appropriate C words to share, I have spent these 2 weeks seeing people, eating lunches, going out, dinners, grand finals, church and many a fun time. It's just good to be well and get out of the house.

Stay tuned for more!
Lots of love,
Kendy x

Treatment Number 3 and some fun!

Treatment number 3 is upon us. I was hooked up to the chemo on Monday and won't finish until Friday. It's nice to have this lot of treatment through the weekdays rather than having to go into hospital on the weekend. I have my fears about the line leaking and getting clots again etc, so would really appreciate any prayers offered to reduce my stress and fears at the moment. I'm currently checking the infusion and dressing so often it's not funny...I know I shouldn't worry about it, but since what happened last time I'm extra nervous.

Another annoying part of chemo is I also have to take a lot of oral medication, including stuff that prevents me getting sick and also some steroids. The downside to the steroids is they make me puff up again in the face. It does go away when I stop taking them between treatments but whilst taking them I do often feel like I don't look like me and its hard to look in the mirror once again. I know I need to take them to make me better, it's just another one of those things that probably only a woman would stress about :(

On a lighter note here are some photos from the night I shave my head. It was so much fun. 

 We started out with a few looks...

 I feel a bit "Miley Cyrus" here....probably not a good thing these days?

 A bit military mohawk?

 The final result. More has fallen out since and is patchy, but now you see it!

I'm still coming to terms with having no hair. There are good days and bad days. Days when I'm happy to waltz around with nothing on my head (although it is cold and windy at times) and then there's days when I feel like I look naked. Even when clothed...my complete "look" just isn't what I am used to, and I feel bare. I look in the mirror and feel sad. I have a wig, which is great. Still struggling to get used to the feel and even look of it, but it does help to bring back that bit of "normal" about life. Scarves, especially silk ones are coming in handy and they're comfortable. So if you see any good ones, even plain ones for when I wear patterned clothes, send them my way!

This last week I have been feeling really good health-wise. Brett and I were able to spend a whole day out. We had breakfast, played mini golf and went shopping. I was exhausted by the end, but it was nice to go out and have fun. All the walking around however caused me a bit of grief with my Hickman line in terms of pain. I've rested since and I think it's healing really well and my body is getting used to it. 

  

It was also fathers day at the beginning of September, and I had a bald photo with my dad. We look a lot alike. I never thought I would shave my head and look so much like dad. But it was nice! Haha here's a picture of us!

 

It does also still get overwhelming at times with the amount of people who want to help out, see how I'm going and in general just be supportive. I often have to say the same things over and over again. It's something I don't want to feel, but sometimes I do. So please don't be offended if it takes me longer to reply to messages or if I'm talking to you and don't want to talk about cancer. I do care about what is going on in your life too! ;)

I still cannot express enough how thankful Brett and I are. We are always talking about who has said what and how it makes us feel. So thank you again annd again for your love and support. I couldn't be on this journey without you all.

God Bless
x Kendy

Reasons to smile

This is a blog dedicated to the reasons I have to smile...be happy and of course be thankful.
It is a list. My hope is that this can be a reminder to all my friends and family that no matter what, there are still reasons to smile. There are still things in our life to be thankful for. I wrote this list spontaneously on my phone in the "notes" section during a time when I really was thankful. I was happy, feeling healthy and thought this chemo treatment was going so well and nothing could change. Well it did change, and then I wrote a really sad blog about how much things were going terrible. I then experienced another hospital visit, 3 nights in hospital for a DVT in my arm. Another downer. BUT all during this time of despair and hurting, I kept thinking, "gosh I just want to go home and write my blog about all the good things".
Here's the list.

I HAVE A REASON TO SMILE

My husband
My supportive family and friends
The awesome team of nurses and doctors treating me
Not many side effects
Being at home for my treatment
Knowing God is in control
The amount of people praying for me
Digestive biscuits
Generous gifts, of food, dinners, cleaning, flowers etc
I don't have to style my hair
I don't have to shave body hair (except for legs...fall out already!!)
Purchasing a natural looking wig
The McLeod's Daughters box set
Visitors
The outdoors, sunshining in winter
No pain when plucking my eyebrows
New Hickman line has stopped bleeding
Cups of Melbourne breakfast tea

I'm still having a rough time. I now have to inject myself twice a day with a needle to thin my blood. (Clexane, for all my nurses playing at home). Which is a surreal experience to do it to yourself after doing it so ruthlessly to patients for so long. I am on a heap of other oral medications and now experiencing bone pain in my back and legs. I say all this because to be honest, there is no way I can  sit here and write a blog about all the things I'm happy about, when all at the same time I still feel suffering. But what does God call us to do? James 1:2-4 says, 'consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.'
I am attempting to be joyful in my trials. But I can only do these things as I keep my eyes focused on Christ alone. Knowing he loves me and is here with me, giving me the strength to do all of this.

I'm so sure there are so many things I have forgotten to be thankful for...but that's ok. This isn't over, and I'm not finished yet. I am ALIVE!