Two days ago on the 18th of July was exactly one year since I was sent home from work, after being told the results of my CT scan looked as if I had lymphoma. I remember that day quite well, but the more I try to think about how I was feeling, the more blurry it gets. I do understand that "numb" feeling people talk about when experiencing a tragic event. I have no idea how I went to sleep that night, I don't remember. But I'm sure it was in tears in my husbands arms.
Brett was away on a fishing trip up North and unreachable. After calling the station he was staying near many times, leaving messages on voice-mail to the caretakers that it was urgent, I ended up getting a call back from Brett. He probably thought I was being the most annoying wife ever after calling him the weekend earlier in a panic asking where my USB was. I did need to send my resume and job application through right at that moment, so it felt like life or death at the time, but turned out I didn't need to get a job anyway because I was about to be diagnosed with cancer the next week. Funny huh. In the end he had to fly home and be with me for the remainder of my diagnosis. It was sad, scary and just plain devastating to get the news that I had cancer. As my very first blog post said, I was most concerned about my fertility. I still am to be honest and it doesn't get any easier when I am constantly seeing my friends on Facebook and Instagram with their gorgeous baby photos.
This one year on since being diagnosed, I have had many mixed emotions. I am now living in a constant state of fear that my cancer will return, whether it is in the same spot, same type of cancer or whether it's something totally new. Every niggle of pain in my body or something I notice that doesn't seem quite right is a wave of fear that runs through my heart. There is not a day that goes by that I'm not scared of it returning. I often feel that people think I have moved on so well or they forget I even went through it and my life is back to normal. But really it isn't. I feel like it is changed forever, and I cannot shake the fear or thoughts of cancer that it's such a heavy burden on my life. Everyone else moves on, but I remain in this place of uncertainty. I was always a hypochondriac, and I still get teased about it. I don't think that's something anyone realises affects me so much. I've had cancer, and I have every right to freak out about stuff..right? I even found my early stage melanoma after being persistent with my "funny feeling". Sometimes it pays off, and sometimes people just say things because they don't understand.
I write this all because I am about to have my first PET scan since my first one post treatment in January giving me the all clear of my lymphoma. Of course I am nervous, thinking about all the possibilities of the results. There is nothing I can do about the results but I can't not go to the appointment and leave it to think everything will be ok just as long as I "don't know what's going on so therefore it's not anything". I just have to go and wait for the results. I know it's going to be an agonizing wait. Will it bear bad news? What's around the corner? Do I have the strength to do this all over again?
If prayer is your thing, please pray for Me now and for my scan on Wednesday. That it will be clear and I will be healthy. Pray for my sanity, that I have comfort and better thoughts in regards to my fears. I'm not even sure these fears will go away or if it's a good thing for them to go away. But pray nonetheless.
I am thankful for the amazing 2 week holiday I just had up in coral bay. It was absolutely beautiful, and I enjoyed every bit. We snorkelled, kayaked, fished, lay on the beach, ate copious amounts of donuts from the bakery and the list goes on. Our forester towed a boat all the way there and back and we were super chuffed about that. We do love to have adventures, holidays and fun and are so glad we have these opportunities to do these things while we can. Happy I married an adventurous man who loves to just give things a go and get involved. It definitely suits my newly found appreciation for life and how some things are more important than others and that life is not just a tick box of things to achieve and acquire.
Words of wisdom to live by. That's all for now.
Kendy x
VANUATU Cruise!
Brett and I finally got the opportunity to go on our long awaited cruise to Vanuatu!
We flew to Brisbane, stayed one night and then the next day set sail on an 11 night cruise around the islands of Vanuatu.
We missed 2 smalls islands due to big swell and it being too dangerous to board the tenders to the islands, but that was ok. The ships crew pull out the big guns when we don't get to stop, and played the movie Frozen. So we all "let it go" about missing a few stops and continued to enjoy the relaxation of crusing on the ocean and also stopping at many beautiful places.
We ate all the time, went to the gym only a few times, met some cool people, learnt a lot of sports trivia and all round had a great time. This was of course was my first ever overseas (on the sea?) trip and I thoroughly enjoyed it! I would recommend cruising to anyone and everyone! There is so much to do, or little to do if that is your hearts desire.
Here are some pictures of our travels....(until the waterproof camera became not waterproof and we stopped taking pictures on it)
We did a tour on Santo island and canoed the RiRi River to the Blue Hole
So unbelievably BLUE! And a rope swing.
They had theme nights on the boat, this was was island night.
After 11 nights without wifi and internet (are they the same thing?) we docked back in Brisbane and had another 3 nights staying with some contacts through Compassion. Messages and facebook were fun to catch up on and it even included seeing Brett's advertisement he starred in, in Brasil, a McDonald's commercial for the World Cup. Watch it here! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-T7zyezBkuY
We also hit up Movie World and Wet n Wild on the Gold Coast which was amazing fun as always, shout outs to the scooby doo ride, the old lethal weapon and the new aqua loop. And can I just tell you about the Aqua Loop, it's by far the scariest thing I've done. More than skydiving. Here's a video of it on youtube already https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yM9zNxlOXk
We also went to the Gold Coast Suns game, which was cool.
That's all for now.
Bless you guys!!
Bless you guys!!
Waiting on a miracle!
Today I have been wrestling with the fact I need a miracle. Yes, I have been healed from lymphoma, but the reality is that I still have an obstructed Superior Vena Cava from a clot. The clot formed when the tumor grew around the vessel and completely cut it off. To the point where the doctors say there is nothing they can do about it and I will have to live with it. The obstruction causes veins to stick out more prominantly than normal because that is now their main route of transport. I have a lot of pressure in my head when I bend down, put my shoes on, pick something up, lie flat on my back and the list goes on.
Thankfully the body is so wonderfully made that it can work around this problem using compensatory veins and I haven't dropped dead yet. I am thankful for this, but also miserable about the side effects and the fear of never getting back to the way I was previously because of fluid retention, I believe, caused by my lack of ability to drain it via the Superior Vena Cava.
So I have had a bit of a cry and a loud outpour of prayer to our Heavenly father for a miracle. To believe that He can heal me, regardless of what the doctors are saying. I was made by God, He knows my body inside and out, how many hairs on my head, freckles on my face, what veins and vessels go where and clearly made an alternative path that the blood could flow if this superior vena cava obstruction happens. But I need to be healed. I want to be healed so badly and prove to the people I love that God is real, amazing and faithful. That he can do miraculous things! In this happening I pray it would prompt the people I love to seek to know God and what he can do.
Please please please, join me in praying for this miracle. I know there are so many things to be thankful for (just read my thankful blog) and I should be pretty happy I'm alive (I am..) but hear my heart when I say that witnessing a miracle would be such a powerful testimony, not only for myself, but for everyone else.
Kendy x
Thankfully the body is so wonderfully made that it can work around this problem using compensatory veins and I haven't dropped dead yet. I am thankful for this, but also miserable about the side effects and the fear of never getting back to the way I was previously because of fluid retention, I believe, caused by my lack of ability to drain it via the Superior Vena Cava.
So I have had a bit of a cry and a loud outpour of prayer to our Heavenly father for a miracle. To believe that He can heal me, regardless of what the doctors are saying. I was made by God, He knows my body inside and out, how many hairs on my head, freckles on my face, what veins and vessels go where and clearly made an alternative path that the blood could flow if this superior vena cava obstruction happens. But I need to be healed. I want to be healed so badly and prove to the people I love that God is real, amazing and faithful. That he can do miraculous things! In this happening I pray it would prompt the people I love to seek to know God and what he can do.
Please please please, join me in praying for this miracle. I know there are so many things to be thankful for (just read my thankful blog) and I should be pretty happy I'm alive (I am..) but hear my heart when I say that witnessing a miracle would be such a powerful testimony, not only for myself, but for everyone else.
Kendy x
Unedited jibberish
Is it time for a new blog? Most definitely!! I sit here on the couch writing because I must elevate my foot. I have just had a skin graft on my toe due to a pre cancerous mole being removed last year, but not removed enough, hence the graft now. They shaved some skin from my leg and cut out a chunk from my toe, then glued in the shaved skin. Delicious! So I am off work for a week "resting" and keeping my feet up. Something that I now HATE!
"Work?" I hear you ask! Yes, I have a casual job at a day surgery working as a nurse, doing some admission pre op stuff and also some work in recovery. Most of the surgery we do is under a general anaesthetic for dentistry, so wisdom teeth and restorative stuff. It's amazing and I love it! Having cancer has definitely taught me to appreciate work and being able to physically do it is awesome. I did learn the hard way, but thankful none the less!
What else have I been up to and thinking about? Well, life sure is busy once again, but something I have had no control of is my hair growth. My hair is growing quite nicely on top of my head and annoyingly raging everywhere else. Gross? Yes. But seriously having no hair would have been the only perk to chemotherapy. Now I'm back to maintenance, plucking my stupid eyebrows.
I have also started back with some light exercise. Swimming laps walking laps, walking outside long distances and I even can run 1km! It's exciting for me, so let me be proud of it, ok?
There are a few down sides to being thrust so fast back into "normal life". Things such as uncertainty and fear. All of a sudden you finish treatment and then you're left alone. No more daily check ups, regular blood tests, general regular communication with nurses and doctors. And you feel pretty strange. I personally am struggling with it and get upset quite a bit. It was such a huge part of my life, in fact, it consumed my whole life for 6 months. Then you're left with nothing. Apart from constant questioning from friends and family about how you are. Which in reality is hard. It's the same questions over and over, just like when you have been diagnosed, asking how you are, and you can't really be honest. It's a bit draining sometimes, so sorry if I'm ever blunt with you.
Our life had been flipped upside down, something no one ever wants to ever have to experience, and then when it's over you're expected to just flop back into normal life? What!? It's actually outrageous.
There's not a day when I don't think, is my cancer going to come back? Will we ever have enough money to follow our dreams and do all the things we had planned and are now 6+ months behind? Will I be able to have kids? Etc etc and all the things I thought I had learned and gained from this journey suddenly get pushed to the side and I'm back to the comparison way of the thinking I was drowning in before.
Is what I'm striving for now even important in life?! Agh the emotional and mental dilemmas.
I'm healthy and should be thankful right? Watching everyone else do life without a hiccup is really hard.
On the upside however Brett and I are finally going on our long awaited cruise in May this year and to be honest, we deserve this and something to go right for a change! We need a break and an escape from the supposed perfect bubble of perth. We're also going to coral bay in July and popping away for a week to Busselton just after Easter.
I'm so impatient about the future and what we have planned, but super excited and anxious at the same time. God's timing is the only timing, and I need help to see that.
So there was just a snippet of where I am at, at the moment.
Please uphold us in your prayers, obviously from what I've said, I have a lot to work through.
Thanks again for your support.
Xx Kendy
"Work?" I hear you ask! Yes, I have a casual job at a day surgery working as a nurse, doing some admission pre op stuff and also some work in recovery. Most of the surgery we do is under a general anaesthetic for dentistry, so wisdom teeth and restorative stuff. It's amazing and I love it! Having cancer has definitely taught me to appreciate work and being able to physically do it is awesome. I did learn the hard way, but thankful none the less!
What else have I been up to and thinking about? Well, life sure is busy once again, but something I have had no control of is my hair growth. My hair is growing quite nicely on top of my head and annoyingly raging everywhere else. Gross? Yes. But seriously having no hair would have been the only perk to chemotherapy. Now I'm back to maintenance, plucking my stupid eyebrows.
I have also started back with some light exercise. Swimming laps walking laps, walking outside long distances and I even can run 1km! It's exciting for me, so let me be proud of it, ok?
There are a few down sides to being thrust so fast back into "normal life". Things such as uncertainty and fear. All of a sudden you finish treatment and then you're left alone. No more daily check ups, regular blood tests, general regular communication with nurses and doctors. And you feel pretty strange. I personally am struggling with it and get upset quite a bit. It was such a huge part of my life, in fact, it consumed my whole life for 6 months. Then you're left with nothing. Apart from constant questioning from friends and family about how you are. Which in reality is hard. It's the same questions over and over, just like when you have been diagnosed, asking how you are, and you can't really be honest. It's a bit draining sometimes, so sorry if I'm ever blunt with you.
Our life had been flipped upside down, something no one ever wants to ever have to experience, and then when it's over you're expected to just flop back into normal life? What!? It's actually outrageous.
There's not a day when I don't think, is my cancer going to come back? Will we ever have enough money to follow our dreams and do all the things we had planned and are now 6+ months behind? Will I be able to have kids? Etc etc and all the things I thought I had learned and gained from this journey suddenly get pushed to the side and I'm back to the comparison way of the thinking I was drowning in before.
Is what I'm striving for now even important in life?! Agh the emotional and mental dilemmas.
I'm healthy and should be thankful right? Watching everyone else do life without a hiccup is really hard.
On the upside however Brett and I are finally going on our long awaited cruise in May this year and to be honest, we deserve this and something to go right for a change! We need a break and an escape from the supposed perfect bubble of perth. We're also going to coral bay in July and popping away for a week to Busselton just after Easter.
I'm so impatient about the future and what we have planned, but super excited and anxious at the same time. God's timing is the only timing, and I need help to see that.
So there was just a snippet of where I am at, at the moment.
Please uphold us in your prayers, obviously from what I've said, I have a lot to work through.
Thanks again for your support.
Xx Kendy
Finished...what?!
It's been a month since my last blog! I have been up to plenty of things. I had a pre Christmas blog with depth and insight included, but failed to post it and now feel like I'd have to change too much to even resurrect it. So new one it is!
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I feel incredibly overwhelmed by all this love and support I have received through treatment. I am pleased to announce I just finished my last scheduled cycle of chemo and now just yearning to feel 100% healthy again. It sure will be a long road to complete recovery, but I know that with everyone around me and having such an amazing God on my side, I can achieve anything. I read a book recently called "You'll get through this" by Max Lucado
And the quote mentioned all throughout was
"You'll get through this.
It won't be painless.
It won't be quick.
But God will use this mess for good.
Don't be foolish or naive.
But don't despair either.
With God's help, you'll get through this."
It really is true. I read it probably too far along in my treatment, but I want others to hear about it and read it, especially if you're going through rough stuff. It doesn't have to be cancer! It can be anything that is affect you and is rough-going for YOU, ie financial troubles, health issues, divorce, anything!
I can get through it with God's strength, it's not going to be easy, painless or even quick, but I will get through it. It's very cool to have such faith and hope in something greater, so if I could encourage you in anything, it would be to explore who God is. I feel like my life now is a true testimony to how God can move in situations and how blessed my life is...regardless of cancer!
So I started chemo last week on our 2nd year wedding anniversary. Brett and I had a great night at dinner. I wore my wig and carried my chemo bad around and everything. When we got there, there was a little girl who was also bald and seemed to have been through some grueling treatment. I almost wanted to rip off my wig and show my support, but I didn't. Maybe I'll be more bold next time!!
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I had an amazing Christmas, including Christmas carols, breakfast, lunch and dinner on Christmas Day spent with family and friends and then Boxing Day with the extensions. Then we headed off down to Busselton for a much needed escape from perth and cancer stuff. I was even taught how to do my Hickman line dressing and heparin locking of the lines, so it was pretty fun to feel nursey again. It was so nice to sit on the beach, dip my legs in my clam shell (thanks to Nicole and Derek) because I can't swim with the line in, and we played bulk games of 500 (card game). New Years was also spent at the campsite and we just relaxed, discussed potential New Years resolutions, struggled to stay awake til midnight, cracked open the sparklers then went off to bed.
500 FUN!
(Brett caught a huge Sampson fish and fed us for 3 nights!)
It really has been an eventful year so far, only 14 days in.
Thank you for your love and support as always. It helps so much even when I'm grumpy and feeling unwell, I always look back and appreciate all the help we have received.
I plan to hopefully keep you all updated with my recovery, scan results and my fitness etc, so please stick around!
Kendy x
I now leave you with some photos to celebrate our wedding day 2 years ago on the 6th January.
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I feel incredibly overwhelmed by all this love and support I have received through treatment. I am pleased to announce I just finished my last scheduled cycle of chemo and now just yearning to feel 100% healthy again. It sure will be a long road to complete recovery, but I know that with everyone around me and having such an amazing God on my side, I can achieve anything. I read a book recently called "You'll get through this" by Max Lucado
And the quote mentioned all throughout was
"You'll get through this.
It won't be painless.
It won't be quick.
But God will use this mess for good.
Don't be foolish or naive.
But don't despair either.
With God's help, you'll get through this."
It really is true. I read it probably too far along in my treatment, but I want others to hear about it and read it, especially if you're going through rough stuff. It doesn't have to be cancer! It can be anything that is affect you and is rough-going for YOU, ie financial troubles, health issues, divorce, anything!
I can get through it with God's strength, it's not going to be easy, painless or even quick, but I will get through it. It's very cool to have such faith and hope in something greater, so if I could encourage you in anything, it would be to explore who God is. I feel like my life now is a true testimony to how God can move in situations and how blessed my life is...regardless of cancer!
So I started chemo last week on our 2nd year wedding anniversary. Brett and I had a great night at dinner. I wore my wig and carried my chemo bad around and everything. When we got there, there was a little girl who was also bald and seemed to have been through some grueling treatment. I almost wanted to rip off my wig and show my support, but I didn't. Maybe I'll be more bold next time!!
.JPG)
I had an amazing Christmas, including Christmas carols, breakfast, lunch and dinner on Christmas Day spent with family and friends and then Boxing Day with the extensions. Then we headed off down to Busselton for a much needed escape from perth and cancer stuff. I was even taught how to do my Hickman line dressing and heparin locking of the lines, so it was pretty fun to feel nursey again. It was so nice to sit on the beach, dip my legs in my clam shell (thanks to Nicole and Derek) because I can't swim with the line in, and we played bulk games of 500 (card game). New Years was also spent at the campsite and we just relaxed, discussed potential New Years resolutions, struggled to stay awake til midnight, cracked open the sparklers then went off to bed.
It really has been an eventful year so far, only 14 days in.
Thank you for your love and support as always. It helps so much even when I'm grumpy and feeling unwell, I always look back and appreciate all the help we have received.
I plan to hopefully keep you all updated with my recovery, scan results and my fitness etc, so please stick around!
Kendy x
I now leave you with some photos to celebrate our wedding day 2 years ago on the 6th January.
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